No Pearl Jam tickets for this chick

Now that I'm back to work full time, I have had to rely on my calendar on my phone each and everyday. So many things to do before and after work, reminders of up coming appointments and meetings. I don't like the fact that this cancer drug I'm on is robbing me of my everyday memory, but if using technology is my coping method, so be it.

For many years I was a member of the Pearl Jam Fan Club so when there was an upcoming concert, I was able to get prime tickets. I gave up that fan club a few years ago as many told me I was too old to follow bands around. (BS) This band that I love announced concerts in Toronto and Ottawa in May 2016 so a friend was going to try and score us some tickets. The day to try and snag these tickets was on Friday and we missed out. Of course I was devastated, but I turned it around in my favour. When people asked me if I got tickets and I had to say no, they were so sad...I merely advised them that after the shit year I had in 2015, I am just fortunate to be alive!! Yes, I'M STILL ALIVE:). It hurts to see so many posting that they were able to get great seats, and I thought...."maybe I should play the cancer card and write to the fan club and plead my case" However that's not how I work, so all those who get to see this wonderful band in May, enjoy!

If you read my Facebook, you knew that I had a surprise birthday for Billy last night. He was totally surprised and it was a marvelous night spent with 18 of our closest friends and family. The food was great, the venue superb and Billy was impressed that no one let the secret slip. I still find it hard to believe that he is 60, and I will be there in 4 more years. How did that happen? Our 36 anniversary is coming up n April and it still seems like we got married just last year.

So as a very busy week comes to a close, I will try and focus on all the good things in my life and forget about concerts that I will not attend. It just wasn't meant to be this time. But maybe in another few years they will come back and circumstances will be different.

Enjoy your Sunday everybody. Spend some time with the ones you love and rejoice in all the good things!

Head games

Monday marked 6 months since I had that chunk of cancer ripped out of me. Tuesday marked a close friend having the fourth piece of cancer cut out of her. It's just too real. I hate it.

So I'm through my gradual return to work schedule. I was working 9-3 (Princess Hours) last week so it gave me time to get things done before and after work. My shoulder is still killing me but February 8th (my orthopedic surgeon appointment) is getting closer. Put up and shut up.

I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist on Friday. My first question was about an article I read about the residual side effects of radiation therapy. The radiation wasn't done on my head, but since I ended treatment and resumed work, my brain is fucked...fried. My multi tasking skills have diminished and my keyboarding skills are deteriorating. He basically said this can continue for the next ten years, or it could end tomorrow. Everyone is different. The anxiety I am experiencing should be discussed with my family doctor; currently I do not have one. Once again, put up and shut up.

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of my last day of radiation. I miss those people who work at the cancer centre. They kept me going, kept me smiling and gave me hope. Now I'm on my own and wonder how I make it through each day. I guess I need to focus on the things I have to look forward to. My favourite band Pearl Jam is coming to Ottawa on May 8th. I have no way of getting tickets so I am praying that a close friend can get the tickets for me. I feel awful depending on someone else for this but it may be my last time seeing  the band that had kept me going over the last 25 years.

I have also accepted a position back on the Board of Directors for the public radio station I have been associated with for ten years - CJAI. As well, I am on a committee to plan the tenth anniversary party being held on April 1st at the Amherst Island Community Centre. And if that wasn't enough, I am attempting to organize another CKLC reunion show at the station on Friday May 20th;) so I guess the next few months will be busy. That may be best so I don't sit and think about myself.

So here's to the return of a 7.5 hour work day tomorrow. I hope staying busy somehow   Keeps my mind off of my mind!

Honestly, I don't bite!

*** Please note that these words are merely the ones in my head - they are not meant to make anyone feel bad! This is my therapy - stop reading now if you are one to take Inge personally! ***

There's been a lot of death in the media lately... Many to cancer. I won't name names, you know who they are. I wonder if it's better being dead from cancer and away from worry, or being alive and living with it constantly?

Wow, that's harsh. I guess it's how I feel. Everyone wants you to be positive, which I try to be when I'm with people. Then when you're alone, your thoughts catch up and your mind goes wild. I'm sure I should seek some sort of professional help from a social worker or the like, but I'm trying to battle this on my own. Just like I did my treatments, alone.

Apparently cancer survivors or victims (I'm not entirely sure of the correct term) live a secret life. The life of "what if". What if it's come back? What if it's stage three this time and no way to treat it? What if what if what if!

So now that I'm back to work, I think I have scared everyone. By being honest and open about my diagnosis I believe I have created an awkward situation with myself and others. There was only two reasons why I told others

1. I  got the call telling me I had breast cancer while I was working. So three or four co workers knew right away. It was my intent to let all those who I worked with on a daily basis know the truth. (Trying to curb the rumour mill)

2. In documenting this journey, maybe someone who was in a similar situation might not feel alone.
So I think that it has backfired as I am now dealing with those who are uncomfortable to be around me, physically that is. Too bad. I kind of need them right now.

For those who have asked, the rotator cuff tear is still an issue, I battle using one hand while typing and other things (try getting dressed or even drying yourself after showering with one hand) but slowly I am getting things done. My appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon on February 8th can not come fast enough.

So for those of you who are scared to approach me, please don't. I won't talk about cancer or my shoulder injury, I will talk about music or the weather or whatever you choose. We can avoid the word cancer and just talk about happy things! I promise!

Back to work...back to reality!

Yes, the coldest day of the season welcomed me back to work on Monday! It felt like -30 as I walked down the chilly sidewalks to 245 King Street East. It didn't really seem fair that I had to break out my parka for the event, as well as wear two pairs of pants, mittens, scarf and ear warmers....then I remembered! All the while I was taking my radiation treatments, I had to walk an even greater distance from my coveted parking spot at William and Earl to The cancer centre....and every day it was above zero...in November and December! Why should I possibly complain now?

It felt strange to be back to work (again) as soon as I walked onto the floor and sat at my screens, I felt a wave of panic: what if I forgot everything? What if I need retraining and there is no one to help me?  What if, what if, what if? My supervisor was sick that day so my manager advised that I get my systems up and running and get back to taking calls. (I had been keeping up on everything while I was off by reading my work emails everyday) After my first call, I knew I had nothing to worry about; I still had what it takes! I still loved what I did for a living, and my very first customer was kind enough to remind me of this! The only issue is this rotator cuff injury.

It has been determined that I will be gradually working up to full time hours so last week I worked 4 hours a day and had Wednesday off for my last doctors appointment. I say it's my last, as this doctor that I have had for exactly one year, is leaving on February 1st. How crazy that I have an interview/appointment with my potential 'new' doctor on February 3rd. That's when the new doctor decides if I am a good fit for their practice. I'm kind of scared of his evaluation, my health track record for the past years has been anything but stellar. Regardless, I need a doctor and this is my last resort as the provincial government tells you it's your job to find a family doctor that will take you; not theirs! So fingers crossed that they will accept Mr Bill and I!

And speaking of doctors; I did find out on Wednesday that I have a full thickness rotator cuff tear on my right shoulder blade. (Don't google the treatment methods, you will gag) The results of my MRI last week were already available. I was told that surgery will be the probable option, but I won't know for sure till I talk to an orthopaedic surgeon named Dr Pickell on February 8th. Currently, I have to pick up my right hand with my left hand to travel from the mouse back to the keyboard, as I have lost that left to right range of motion? It looks rather crazy if you are observing, and it makes me slower on my calls, but it's the best I can do. I'm sure that doing my best at work is far better than sitting at home, worrying!

This week, I work three six hour shifts and two four hour shifts. I'm hoping that my body gets back into the groove. I am still taking a high dose of Motrin every morning and night, but the pain still pops up once my right arm is being used. I tried vacuuming my house with my left arm yesterday. It probably took me twice as long, but it got done!

Reading back over this posting,  it appears that I have become that person who prattles on and on about their medical condition. I would like to start off the year by NOT doing that...moving forward;) I will allow you to do your own editing. I just had to get all of that down so I have it documents in case I need to fall back on it.

As week two of my return to work schedule starts, I am grateful for the re-establishment of a schedule and a reason to wake up in the morning. I really missed the people I work with. Many didn't even notice I was gone, but the ones in my customer service department really missed me when they were at their busiest last month. I thrive on a feeling of  * belonging * which is not attainable when sitting at home all day watching soapies;)

Have a great week everybody! 

2015 - The year that can go f' itself!

I will make this brief, as I do not wish to start off the new year on a negative tone.

2015 was awful - my 55th birthday on January 17th brought with it my first major cancer scare of the year. After 8 weeks I was told I was fine and not to worry - it was menopause playing tricks on me.  In May I had my annual mammogram, which led to a biopsy which led to a breast cancer diagnosis. Now that the surgery and radiation treatments are completed, I look back on it all like it was a bad dream, with a few bright spots; one being the amazing people I met along the cancer-path. The oncologists, radiation tech's and fellow patients who I have spent the majority of my time with over the past two months. 

As I prepare to return to work this coming Monday, I pray that I can still remember what it is that I do for a living. The lovely med's I am on for the next ten years bring on memory loss as well as anxiety. There's your warning everyone. 

Now lets get out there and make this a fantastic NEW year!