I skipped a week (didja notice?)

As the weather gets warmer and the snow begins to melt away, I am reminded that life always tends to go full circle. This time last year my biggest concern was scheduling my holidays. To say last summer is just a distant memory is an understatement. I have learned so much about a subject I detest so intensely and I am sure there is more to come. Some days it is hard to keep the chin up and the smile planted on the face, but I do it. I have to do it, for everyone's sake.

I lasted three whole days on the 'new' prescription called Letrozole. All previous symptoms came back almost immediately. I called the doctor and told him what happened and he now knows I will not be able to withstand the hormone therapy drugs they prescribe. Its funny, they want you to take the drugs to stop the estrogen that supposedly feeds the cancerous tumors yet the drugs can cause uterine or ovarian cancer. Does this make sense?

On the positive side, my doctors office called me last Tuesday to inform me that my scan and ultrasound came back fine. No cancer. I miss diagnosed myself, again! They will send me to a gynecologist to see what may be causing some of the symptoms. Just one more appointment that will be added to my cell phone calendar:)

Saturday I attended a celebration of life for an old high school buddy. This girl 'taught' me how to skip class in grade nine. No doubt you're saying "taught you to skip class" ? Yes, I went to a three room school house for eight years, I had no idea you had an option to attend class;) It was a whole new world going to this huge high school in Napanee for so many of us from that little catholic school. My friends name was Denise - she was the same age as me - I hadn't 'seen' her since 1978 but she found me on facebook about 5 or 6 years ago. When we were teenagers, we used to cut class and hang out at a local soda shop called the Newfie House. It was like a coming of age for me, I was 13 and just found a new friend....someone I hadn't grown up with and knew everything about. She was mysterious and funny and knew everyone. May God keep you close, dear friend.

At this celebration of life, I ran into 6 ladies who I have not seen since the 70's and they all remembered me!! They are arranging a ladies get together in the summer and I will be very happy to attend. My high school years were a bit of a blur as it was just such a culture shock to go from a wee school to a huge place full of 1500 kids from all over the place. Spending time with the ladies again was like going back in a time machine. Its funny. I thought I just sort of blended in with everyone at NDSS and that no one would remember me. Well these girls did and we laughed and laughed as we remembered some of the funny things that happened during our high school years. Thank you ladies! I am sure Denise would have wanted us to be carrying on like school kids!

This week is my late week  (12pm - 8pm) Its only for four days so lets hope it goes fast. This coming Friday is Good Friday and we will be celebrating with our gang at the Legion for dinner and drinks. Have a wonderful Easter everyone:)

It was a good week!

Monday I woke up to a big fat profit sharing deposit in my bank account from my wonderful employer. I bought one thing for me and the rest put towards property taxes. I had been waiting for awhile to buy myself a new iPad air and give my old iPad to the hubby. Monday was also the day that I finally got to meet, face to face, my new family doctor. He asked me a few questions (his nurse practitioner already had my medical history documented) and then sent off for a pelvic ultrasound to put my mind at ease. He doesn't seem to think its a re-occurrence of cancer but is taking all the precautions to put my mind at ease I guess. I found out after I left there that he is a Bruins fan...I love him already!

Tuesday was forecast to get a ton of snow, so I ended up cancelling my social worker appointment; I really didn't feel like trudging through snow down the wind tunnel known as King Street East.(as it was we got nothing!) I was actually starting to feel better, not worrying as much and the other symptoms were subsiding so I figured I shouldn't waste their time. One of my cancer doctors did call me on Thursday asking if my symptoms had disappeared and I was so delighted to say they had. So he calls in a new prescription for me!  Letrozole is its name - I bought a 90 day supply - if it starts effecting my head - it will be stopped. Its not worth it and I still don't know what damage the previous drug has done. I really hope I'm wrong on my self diagnosis.

This week has only two appointments. Wednesday night I will be attending the CJAI Board of Directors meeting on Amherst Island and Thursday morning I have my ultrasound over in the Blackburn mews. Say a little prayer that the new pills don't drive me crazy (again-still)

I must admit, this is one boring blog this week. If your reading this from my facebook post, take a look at some of my 'album' posts that I have been resurrecting - These are stories of my youth - when life was carefree and FUN!!

Have a great week everyone. It certainly feels like Spring has Sprung!

In the pink

I've decided that because of all the worry I carry, I really need to rid myself of it. It can't be healthy wondering if every cramp, pain or symptom is cancer returning in another part of my body. I went to see one of my cancer doctors on Tuesday, and because I was so damn scared of what he was going to tell me, I asked my husband to attend. I really wasn't told anything out of the normal, they would arrange for my next mammogram and life goes on. Because I was experiencing symptoms that (in my head) could possibly be ovarian or uterine cancer related, they did blood work and took a urine sample to appease me. They assumed it was a UTI. I knew differently. So after they tested for this, they came out to tell me I was correct in my assumption that it was not a UTI. They advised I make an appointment with my family doctor, as they could only deal with my breast cancer symptoms, not anything else.

So I called my new family doctor (who I have yet to meet) and managed to get my March 31 appointment moved up to this coming Monday February 29th. No doubt there will be a referral for an ultrasound and some other sort of probe. I was also going to ask about something to slow down my over active brain, however the cancer doctor told me to stop taking the crazy drug (tamoxifen) that was keeping me awake at night. He said to try and stay off it for two weeks and see if things change. It's only been six days now, and I can't really tell if I feel differently. This drug has some very odd side effects, a major one being a re-occurrence of cancer. The other is anxiety. I don't remember ever worrying so much in all my life. Some days I'm scared to come home as I have thoughts of my house being on fire and my poor cat being trapped inside. This all sounds crazy to those sane people who are reading this, but in my head, it's all very real.

Next week I also have an appointment to talk to social worker. It is sponsored by the cancer centre so I wont have to deplete my own benefits. Maybe talking to someone besides myself and my blog, may be the key to fixing my head. A Facebook acquaintance mentioned to me yesterday that I can possibly inspire others not to loose hope. That it's important to keep writing. Yes it is, and although many may believe it is for attention, I can assure all of you that I know of many other more effective methods of calling attention to myself. I blog to get those thoughts out of my head. I blog to let others know that cancer can be beaten. I blog to let others know that is ok to be scared but it's also ok to lean on friends and family for support. You are never alone!

Let's hope March comes in like a lamb as I have to walk to KGH and back and I really don't feel like shoveling my way down the sidewalks of King Street East:) When you work 9 blocks away from the hospital, you really can not justify driving there.

Today (Sunday) I have planned a shopping trip with my friend Judy. We will hit the outlet mall over on Division Street. We will shop and giggle and laugh. We will enjoy our time spent together. We will lunch at Fardella's. We will not mention the C word.

Having fun at our local legion!

Last weekend threw us all into the deep freeze. So much so that we had frozen pipes for the first time ever. So much so that it kept us indoors for three days straight. Well almost, I did make it out to get groceries on Sunday morning as Nothing would be open on family day Monday.

Unfortunately I had to call in a snow day on Tuesday as we had a huge snow dump of 40-50 Cm all in one day! As I was on the late shift, I had to drive this week and Billy text me  to say that I should stay home. I went out  to shovel 6 times just so Billy could get his truck off the highway. (His employer sent him home early as most of the city shut down) now I don't need to remind you what it's like shoveling, but try it with only your left hand functioning!!! I also forgot to mention that I had discovered a flattish tire on my car so I had to get it into town soon.

Wednesday is a funny day to 'start' your work week, but that's how it worked out for me. After getting my tire fixed (for free, thank you Black Dog) I had texted my cousin to see what the condition of our shared parking spot was. She indicated the spot was clear but the sidewalk plots had been through and dumped a drift along the road. When I got there I figured that I could drive through it....wrong! I ended up getting stuck in snow right up to the bottom of my windows. Thank goodness I had put a shovel in my car as I spent the next 30 minutes trying to free my car that was hanging out in the middle of Earl street. At least 40 people walked by with no offers of help. I was really looking for one of those snow angels I've read about to appear. No such luck. I was only 15 minutes late for work and am grateful I have an understanding manager and supervisor.

The rest of the week slipped by quickly and before you knew it, it was Friday night. Normally we head out to a friends garage but about 5 o'clock I started feeling ill. My head was pounding, I was shivering and I had a wicked stomach ache. I came home and passed on the take out chicken the hubby had stopped and picked up for us. I sat upright with pillows piled behind me and covered myself with two big quilts. After googling my symptoms and based on the possible side effects of the drug I'm on, I am concerned. I have an appointment with my cancer doctor on Tuesday so they can set me straight. Many times I have been told that once you have had cancer, it's sure to come back over and over. I hate to think that way, but if it's true then I will deal with it when diagnosed. Until then, lets eat cake:)

We bought tickets to a sold out show for a  local 'retired' band called Steve Cheeseman and the Heaters last month and I really felt like I wasn't going to be able to make it. There were so many of my friends going so I didn't want to miss it. It was almost like a miracle, as the day progressed and I thought about all those people who would be there supporting our local legion, dancing and singing along with those good old songs of our youth, well I actually started to feel better. Mind over matter I guess. Even my friend Patsy mentioned that Steve and his band had that gift of making us all feel good. She was right! The symptoms disappeared and a wonderful night was had by all. Especially my husband;) Of course I was the DD, so you know who got to drink beer:)

My friend Laurie was in attendance and while hanging out in the hallway, we happened upon a "boy" we grew up with named 'Fym Kairfax'. (Fym was kind enough to BBQ the steaks for the dinner and boy were they delish!) The first thing out of Laurie's mouth was "why don't we go for a ride in your Trans AM." The look on Fym's face was priceless. He said he hadn't thought about that car in years! No wonder, as it was 40 years ago that he had bought it! Talk about a lot of long time friendships in one building. I swear the majority of the people there had all known each other for decades. That's what it's like to live in a small town! On a side note: I introduced two ladies who didn't know each other and within two minutes they figured out that the ones nieces and nephews were the other ones cousins ! Wow!

So the night flew by. Billy had me up on the dance floor more times than ever before and by the end of the night I was trying my hardest not to giggle as he sang into my ear "to love somebody...the way I love you..." I drove the boy home and kissed him good night;) Funny how he ended up back in bed at noon hour today;)

So this coming week I'm back on 9-5 and I will be car pooling with my Billy. There is another storm predicted on Wednesday and Thursday so I will have no excuse to call in a snow day this time;)

My hair has a mind of its own

This past week started with a visit to the orthopaedic surgeon. I was given the good news that they do not want to do surgery. He wants me to continue doing physio as my shoulder is not completely frozen and can be repaired, slowly. I was so happy I wanted to hug the guy as I really don't want to take any more time off work. So I will gladly do my daily physio and deal with the other stuff as it appears. This makes Cat a happy girl! So when you see me and I'm favouring my left hand, you will know why.

The weather this weekend has been rather chilling - we woke up to -31 Saturday, as well as a frozen water pipe in the basement. I had postponed my bi-weekly grocery shopping trip on Saturday as the wind just made it too damn cold. So Sunday I had to get out and brave the elements. I was surprised that the stores appeared kind of empty even though Monday is a holiday. I got stocked up and back home in record time.

I have a follow up appointment at the cancer centre this week on Tuesday. Of course I will walk there but am kind of skeptical about the weather. We are to get freezing rain and a pile of snow, so we will see what tomorrow brings. (Oh yes, and I have a flat tire, so I somehow need to get to black dog tire to get it fixed) I plan on asking them (at the cancer centre, not Black Dog) for recommendations for some sort of drug to help with the mood swings from the cancer drug. Maybe it will make me a nicer person. Maybe it will help with my hair colour!! Get this: I coloured my hair last Saturday morning and it was completely brown, with a bit of pink still appearing on the tips. Today I woke up and all the gray is back? Wtf? I really don't know why and I doubt that adding another box on top of it will help. Perhaps I am destined to have gray hair for the rest of my remaining days?

Recently I have been thinking about ways to kick my blog up a notch. Perhaps I can add some stories from my past? (my current life is boring and full of health issues which I need to shut up about) As once I'm gone, this blog will be one of  the few things that will be left for you to read. And the purpose of a blog is to express oneself. My son is lucky, he can express himself through art. I have no special skills so words it will be.

I guess I can start at the 'beginning'. I am fortunate enough to live in the same village I was born into. I guess you can say I am a true resident of the Great Village of Bath as I have Grandfathers, Grandmothers and parents buried here. Add to that, I have some of the same friends that I have known since the early 60's! One is CH. We have so many things in common: we were married less than a year apart, our husbands are best friends who have known each other since they were teens, we went all through elementary & high school together, we live less than 2 miles from each other and our mothers grew up together too.

This picture was taken in 1964, I was in grade one, she was in grade 2. I am in the front row, second from the end on the right. CH is in the back row, second from the end on the right. I even remember that dress that she has on, isn't that weird? Most days I cant remember driving into work.

Here we are again, a few years ago. My friend Roberta (far left) and I had shaved our heads a few months prior and we crawled in a vintage limo for this photo op. We happened to be in CH's driveway so I dragged her into the picture too. That's her on the far right, in the aqua top.

For the last ten years, we have been lucky enough to go boating together. It is the one activity that I can honestly say we can enjoy with our friends. There is something about being on the water that brings me a feeling of peace. Last year Billy bought me this huge floating tube - CH and I spent an afternoon floating around on it in a lovely bay by Amherst Island. It was just a few weeks before my lumpectomy, so focused on making every minute count.

A few months later I decided to go in the Run for the Cure. It was a beautiful October afternoon, and despite having breathing and other health issues of her own, there was my BFF right by my side. I really cant express what that meant to me.

Now this wonderful lady will more than likely be miffed that I have blogged about her (again - as I did back in Oct) but her friendship is one of the things that keeps me grounded.

Have a good (short) week everyone - after spending three days house-bound, I am looking forward to get out and hanging with my work family again!!!

I'm gonna cut that PINK right outta my hair!

Tomorrow I get to see the orthopedic surgeon about this dumb rotator cuff tear. I think the pain has subsided somewhat however it has now frozen into place and I can not lift it over my head, at all. Getting old sucks!

This past week seems to have gone by very quickly, I had a meeting on Thursday night for the CJAI 10th Anniversary Party Committee that I am a part of. I still find it hard to believe that the station has been around for ten years. Especially when everyone thought it wouldn't last a year! That old milk house is where I have spent many a good time. So much has changed and will be changing, and I have decided that I should be a part of it. Considering the fact that I was there in the very beginning, it is something close to my heart.

This picture was taken the first summer CJAI was open - 2006:

 This was taken a few years later by my friend Dana Orr:

Yesterday was the day to get the PINK cut out of my hair. My hairdresser has been sick and had cancelled on me twice. Just before I headed out the door yesterday morning, the salon called to say she was sick again. I was fortunate enough to get an appointment with Heather and she did a fantastic job. My hair is very short now and the pink is just a distant memory. It's almost like the pink remnants were holding me down somewhat. Since I was diagnosed, I have had numerous people send me messages and tell me face to face that I am a 'hero'. Although that is very flattering, and I certainly appreciate the kudos, but I am not a hero. I am a person who was told that if I didn't have surgery, I would die. If I didn't have radiation therapy, I would die. If I didn't take this memory-robbing, estrogen-depleting drug for ten years, I would die.  Even though I'm old, I'm too young to die. I have done what anyone would do: fight!

And this is what it looked like before the hair cut:


I hope everyone reading this counts their blessings tonight and be very thankful for all that have!

No Pearl Jam tickets for this chick

Now that I'm back to work full time, I have had to rely on my calendar on my phone each and everyday. So many things to do before and after work, reminders of up coming appointments and meetings. I don't like the fact that this cancer drug I'm on is robbing me of my everyday memory, but if using technology is my coping method, so be it.

For many years I was a member of the Pearl Jam Fan Club so when there was an upcoming concert, I was able to get prime tickets. I gave up that fan club a few years ago as many told me I was too old to follow bands around. (BS) This band that I love announced concerts in Toronto and Ottawa in May 2016 so a friend was going to try and score us some tickets. The day to try and snag these tickets was on Friday and we missed out. Of course I was devastated, but I turned it around in my favour. When people asked me if I got tickets and I had to say no, they were so sad...I merely advised them that after the shit year I had in 2015, I am just fortunate to be alive!! Yes, I'M STILL ALIVE:). It hurts to see so many posting that they were able to get great seats, and I thought...."maybe I should play the cancer card and write to the fan club and plead my case" However that's not how I work, so all those who get to see this wonderful band in May, enjoy!

If you read my Facebook, you knew that I had a surprise birthday for Billy last night. He was totally surprised and it was a marvelous night spent with 18 of our closest friends and family. The food was great, the venue superb and Billy was impressed that no one let the secret slip. I still find it hard to believe that he is 60, and I will be there in 4 more years. How did that happen? Our 36 anniversary is coming up n April and it still seems like we got married just last year.

So as a very busy week comes to a close, I will try and focus on all the good things in my life and forget about concerts that I will not attend. It just wasn't meant to be this time. But maybe in another few years they will come back and circumstances will be different.

Enjoy your Sunday everybody. Spend some time with the ones you love and rejoice in all the good things!

Head games

Monday marked 6 months since I had that chunk of cancer ripped out of me. Tuesday marked a close friend having the fourth piece of cancer cut out of her. It's just too real. I hate it.

So I'm through my gradual return to work schedule. I was working 9-3 (Princess Hours) last week so it gave me time to get things done before and after work. My shoulder is still killing me but February 8th (my orthopedic surgeon appointment) is getting closer. Put up and shut up.

I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist on Friday. My first question was about an article I read about the residual side effects of radiation therapy. The radiation wasn't done on my head, but since I ended treatment and resumed work, my brain is fucked...fried. My multi tasking skills have diminished and my keyboarding skills are deteriorating. He basically said this can continue for the next ten years, or it could end tomorrow. Everyone is different. The anxiety I am experiencing should be discussed with my family doctor; currently I do not have one. Once again, put up and shut up.

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of my last day of radiation. I miss those people who work at the cancer centre. They kept me going, kept me smiling and gave me hope. Now I'm on my own and wonder how I make it through each day. I guess I need to focus on the things I have to look forward to. My favourite band Pearl Jam is coming to Ottawa on May 8th. I have no way of getting tickets so I am praying that a close friend can get the tickets for me. I feel awful depending on someone else for this but it may be my last time seeing  the band that had kept me going over the last 25 years.

I have also accepted a position back on the Board of Directors for the public radio station I have been associated with for ten years - CJAI. As well, I am on a committee to plan the tenth anniversary party being held on April 1st at the Amherst Island Community Centre. And if that wasn't enough, I am attempting to organize another CKLC reunion show at the station on Friday May 20th;) so I guess the next few months will be busy. That may be best so I don't sit and think about myself.

So here's to the return of a 7.5 hour work day tomorrow. I hope staying busy somehow   Keeps my mind off of my mind!

Honestly, I don't bite!

*** Please note that these words are merely the ones in my head - they are not meant to make anyone feel bad! This is my therapy - stop reading now if you are one to take Inge personally! ***

There's been a lot of death in the media lately... Many to cancer. I won't name names, you know who they are. I wonder if it's better being dead from cancer and away from worry, or being alive and living with it constantly?

Wow, that's harsh. I guess it's how I feel. Everyone wants you to be positive, which I try to be when I'm with people. Then when you're alone, your thoughts catch up and your mind goes wild. I'm sure I should seek some sort of professional help from a social worker or the like, but I'm trying to battle this on my own. Just like I did my treatments, alone.

Apparently cancer survivors or victims (I'm not entirely sure of the correct term) live a secret life. The life of "what if". What if it's come back? What if it's stage three this time and no way to treat it? What if what if what if!

So now that I'm back to work, I think I have scared everyone. By being honest and open about my diagnosis I believe I have created an awkward situation with myself and others. There was only two reasons why I told others

1. I  got the call telling me I had breast cancer while I was working. So three or four co workers knew right away. It was my intent to let all those who I worked with on a daily basis know the truth. (Trying to curb the rumour mill)

2. In documenting this journey, maybe someone who was in a similar situation might not feel alone.
So I think that it has backfired as I am now dealing with those who are uncomfortable to be around me, physically that is. Too bad. I kind of need them right now.

For those who have asked, the rotator cuff tear is still an issue, I battle using one hand while typing and other things (try getting dressed or even drying yourself after showering with one hand) but slowly I am getting things done. My appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon on February 8th can not come fast enough.

So for those of you who are scared to approach me, please don't. I won't talk about cancer or my shoulder injury, I will talk about music or the weather or whatever you choose. We can avoid the word cancer and just talk about happy things! I promise!

Back to work...back to reality!

Yes, the coldest day of the season welcomed me back to work on Monday! It felt like -30 as I walked down the chilly sidewalks to 245 King Street East. It didn't really seem fair that I had to break out my parka for the event, as well as wear two pairs of pants, mittens, scarf and ear warmers....then I remembered! All the while I was taking my radiation treatments, I had to walk an even greater distance from my coveted parking spot at William and Earl to The cancer centre....and every day it was above zero...in November and December! Why should I possibly complain now?

It felt strange to be back to work (again) as soon as I walked onto the floor and sat at my screens, I felt a wave of panic: what if I forgot everything? What if I need retraining and there is no one to help me?  What if, what if, what if? My supervisor was sick that day so my manager advised that I get my systems up and running and get back to taking calls. (I had been keeping up on everything while I was off by reading my work emails everyday) After my first call, I knew I had nothing to worry about; I still had what it takes! I still loved what I did for a living, and my very first customer was kind enough to remind me of this! The only issue is this rotator cuff injury.

It has been determined that I will be gradually working up to full time hours so last week I worked 4 hours a day and had Wednesday off for my last doctors appointment. I say it's my last, as this doctor that I have had for exactly one year, is leaving on February 1st. How crazy that I have an interview/appointment with my potential 'new' doctor on February 3rd. That's when the new doctor decides if I am a good fit for their practice. I'm kind of scared of his evaluation, my health track record for the past years has been anything but stellar. Regardless, I need a doctor and this is my last resort as the provincial government tells you it's your job to find a family doctor that will take you; not theirs! So fingers crossed that they will accept Mr Bill and I!

And speaking of doctors; I did find out on Wednesday that I have a full thickness rotator cuff tear on my right shoulder blade. (Don't google the treatment methods, you will gag) The results of my MRI last week were already available. I was told that surgery will be the probable option, but I won't know for sure till I talk to an orthopaedic surgeon named Dr Pickell on February 8th. Currently, I have to pick up my right hand with my left hand to travel from the mouse back to the keyboard, as I have lost that left to right range of motion? It looks rather crazy if you are observing, and it makes me slower on my calls, but it's the best I can do. I'm sure that doing my best at work is far better than sitting at home, worrying!

This week, I work three six hour shifts and two four hour shifts. I'm hoping that my body gets back into the groove. I am still taking a high dose of Motrin every morning and night, but the pain still pops up once my right arm is being used. I tried vacuuming my house with my left arm yesterday. It probably took me twice as long, but it got done!

Reading back over this posting,  it appears that I have become that person who prattles on and on about their medical condition. I would like to start off the year by NOT doing that...moving forward;) I will allow you to do your own editing. I just had to get all of that down so I have it documents in case I need to fall back on it.

As week two of my return to work schedule starts, I am grateful for the re-establishment of a schedule and a reason to wake up in the morning. I really missed the people I work with. Many didn't even notice I was gone, but the ones in my customer service department really missed me when they were at their busiest last month. I thrive on a feeling of  * belonging * which is not attainable when sitting at home all day watching soapies;)

Have a great week everybody! 

2015 - The year that can go f' itself!

I will make this brief, as I do not wish to start off the new year on a negative tone.

2015 was awful - my 55th birthday on January 17th brought with it my first major cancer scare of the year. After 8 weeks I was told I was fine and not to worry - it was menopause playing tricks on me.  In May I had my annual mammogram, which led to a biopsy which led to a breast cancer diagnosis. Now that the surgery and radiation treatments are completed, I look back on it all like it was a bad dream, with a few bright spots; one being the amazing people I met along the cancer-path. The oncologists, radiation tech's and fellow patients who I have spent the majority of my time with over the past two months. 

As I prepare to return to work this coming Monday, I pray that I can still remember what it is that I do for a living. The lovely med's I am on for the next ten years bring on memory loss as well as anxiety. There's your warning everyone. 

Now lets get out there and make this a fantastic NEW year!