In the pink

I've decided that because of all the worry I carry, I really need to rid myself of it. It can't be healthy wondering if every cramp, pain or symptom is cancer returning in another part of my body. I went to see one of my cancer doctors on Tuesday, and because I was so damn scared of what he was going to tell me, I asked my husband to attend. I really wasn't told anything out of the normal, they would arrange for my next mammogram and life goes on. Because I was experiencing symptoms that (in my head) could possibly be ovarian or uterine cancer related, they did blood work and took a urine sample to appease me. They assumed it was a UTI. I knew differently. So after they tested for this, they came out to tell me I was correct in my assumption that it was not a UTI. They advised I make an appointment with my family doctor, as they could only deal with my breast cancer symptoms, not anything else.

So I called my new family doctor (who I have yet to meet) and managed to get my March 31 appointment moved up to this coming Monday February 29th. No doubt there will be a referral for an ultrasound and some other sort of probe. I was also going to ask about something to slow down my over active brain, however the cancer doctor told me to stop taking the crazy drug (tamoxifen) that was keeping me awake at night. He said to try and stay off it for two weeks and see if things change. It's only been six days now, and I can't really tell if I feel differently. This drug has some very odd side effects, a major one being a re-occurrence of cancer. The other is anxiety. I don't remember ever worrying so much in all my life. Some days I'm scared to come home as I have thoughts of my house being on fire and my poor cat being trapped inside. This all sounds crazy to those sane people who are reading this, but in my head, it's all very real.

Next week I also have an appointment to talk to social worker. It is sponsored by the cancer centre so I wont have to deplete my own benefits. Maybe talking to someone besides myself and my blog, may be the key to fixing my head. A Facebook acquaintance mentioned to me yesterday that I can possibly inspire others not to loose hope. That it's important to keep writing. Yes it is, and although many may believe it is for attention, I can assure all of you that I know of many other more effective methods of calling attention to myself. I blog to get those thoughts out of my head. I blog to let others know that cancer can be beaten. I blog to let others know that is ok to be scared but it's also ok to lean on friends and family for support. You are never alone!

Let's hope March comes in like a lamb as I have to walk to KGH and back and I really don't feel like shoveling my way down the sidewalks of King Street East:) When you work 9 blocks away from the hospital, you really can not justify driving there.

Today (Sunday) I have planned a shopping trip with my friend Judy. We will hit the outlet mall over on Division Street. We will shop and giggle and laugh. We will enjoy our time spent together. We will lunch at Fardella's. We will not mention the C word.