In the pink

I've decided that because of all the worry I carry, I really need to rid myself of it. It can't be healthy wondering if every cramp, pain or symptom is cancer returning in another part of my body. I went to see one of my cancer doctors on Tuesday, and because I was so damn scared of what he was going to tell me, I asked my husband to attend. I really wasn't told anything out of the normal, they would arrange for my next mammogram and life goes on. Because I was experiencing symptoms that (in my head) could possibly be ovarian or uterine cancer related, they did blood work and took a urine sample to appease me. They assumed it was a UTI. I knew differently. So after they tested for this, they came out to tell me I was correct in my assumption that it was not a UTI. They advised I make an appointment with my family doctor, as they could only deal with my breast cancer symptoms, not anything else.

So I called my new family doctor (who I have yet to meet) and managed to get my March 31 appointment moved up to this coming Monday February 29th. No doubt there will be a referral for an ultrasound and some other sort of probe. I was also going to ask about something to slow down my over active brain, however the cancer doctor told me to stop taking the crazy drug (tamoxifen) that was keeping me awake at night. He said to try and stay off it for two weeks and see if things change. It's only been six days now, and I can't really tell if I feel differently. This drug has some very odd side effects, a major one being a re-occurrence of cancer. The other is anxiety. I don't remember ever worrying so much in all my life. Some days I'm scared to come home as I have thoughts of my house being on fire and my poor cat being trapped inside. This all sounds crazy to those sane people who are reading this, but in my head, it's all very real.

Next week I also have an appointment to talk to social worker. It is sponsored by the cancer centre so I wont have to deplete my own benefits. Maybe talking to someone besides myself and my blog, may be the key to fixing my head. A Facebook acquaintance mentioned to me yesterday that I can possibly inspire others not to loose hope. That it's important to keep writing. Yes it is, and although many may believe it is for attention, I can assure all of you that I know of many other more effective methods of calling attention to myself. I blog to get those thoughts out of my head. I blog to let others know that cancer can be beaten. I blog to let others know that is ok to be scared but it's also ok to lean on friends and family for support. You are never alone!

Let's hope March comes in like a lamb as I have to walk to KGH and back and I really don't feel like shoveling my way down the sidewalks of King Street East:) When you work 9 blocks away from the hospital, you really can not justify driving there.

Today (Sunday) I have planned a shopping trip with my friend Judy. We will hit the outlet mall over on Division Street. We will shop and giggle and laugh. We will enjoy our time spent together. We will lunch at Fardella's. We will not mention the C word.

Having fun at our local legion!

Last weekend threw us all into the deep freeze. So much so that we had frozen pipes for the first time ever. So much so that it kept us indoors for three days straight. Well almost, I did make it out to get groceries on Sunday morning as Nothing would be open on family day Monday.

Unfortunately I had to call in a snow day on Tuesday as we had a huge snow dump of 40-50 Cm all in one day! As I was on the late shift, I had to drive this week and Billy text me  to say that I should stay home. I went out  to shovel 6 times just so Billy could get his truck off the highway. (His employer sent him home early as most of the city shut down) now I don't need to remind you what it's like shoveling, but try it with only your left hand functioning!!! I also forgot to mention that I had discovered a flattish tire on my car so I had to get it into town soon.

Wednesday is a funny day to 'start' your work week, but that's how it worked out for me. After getting my tire fixed (for free, thank you Black Dog) I had texted my cousin to see what the condition of our shared parking spot was. She indicated the spot was clear but the sidewalk plots had been through and dumped a drift along the road. When I got there I figured that I could drive through it....wrong! I ended up getting stuck in snow right up to the bottom of my windows. Thank goodness I had put a shovel in my car as I spent the next 30 minutes trying to free my car that was hanging out in the middle of Earl street. At least 40 people walked by with no offers of help. I was really looking for one of those snow angels I've read about to appear. No such luck. I was only 15 minutes late for work and am grateful I have an understanding manager and supervisor.

The rest of the week slipped by quickly and before you knew it, it was Friday night. Normally we head out to a friends garage but about 5 o'clock I started feeling ill. My head was pounding, I was shivering and I had a wicked stomach ache. I came home and passed on the take out chicken the hubby had stopped and picked up for us. I sat upright with pillows piled behind me and covered myself with two big quilts. After googling my symptoms and based on the possible side effects of the drug I'm on, I am concerned. I have an appointment with my cancer doctor on Tuesday so they can set me straight. Many times I have been told that once you have had cancer, it's sure to come back over and over. I hate to think that way, but if it's true then I will deal with it when diagnosed. Until then, lets eat cake:)

We bought tickets to a sold out show for a  local 'retired' band called Steve Cheeseman and the Heaters last month and I really felt like I wasn't going to be able to make it. There were so many of my friends going so I didn't want to miss it. It was almost like a miracle, as the day progressed and I thought about all those people who would be there supporting our local legion, dancing and singing along with those good old songs of our youth, well I actually started to feel better. Mind over matter I guess. Even my friend Patsy mentioned that Steve and his band had that gift of making us all feel good. She was right! The symptoms disappeared and a wonderful night was had by all. Especially my husband;) Of course I was the DD, so you know who got to drink beer:)

My friend Laurie was in attendance and while hanging out in the hallway, we happened upon a "boy" we grew up with named 'Fym Kairfax'. (Fym was kind enough to BBQ the steaks for the dinner and boy were they delish!) The first thing out of Laurie's mouth was "why don't we go for a ride in your Trans AM." The look on Fym's face was priceless. He said he hadn't thought about that car in years! No wonder, as it was 40 years ago that he had bought it! Talk about a lot of long time friendships in one building. I swear the majority of the people there had all known each other for decades. That's what it's like to live in a small town! On a side note: I introduced two ladies who didn't know each other and within two minutes they figured out that the ones nieces and nephews were the other ones cousins ! Wow!

So the night flew by. Billy had me up on the dance floor more times than ever before and by the end of the night I was trying my hardest not to giggle as he sang into my ear "to love somebody...the way I love you..." I drove the boy home and kissed him good night;) Funny how he ended up back in bed at noon hour today;)

So this coming week I'm back on 9-5 and I will be car pooling with my Billy. There is another storm predicted on Wednesday and Thursday so I will have no excuse to call in a snow day this time;)

My hair has a mind of its own

This past week started with a visit to the orthopaedic surgeon. I was given the good news that they do not want to do surgery. He wants me to continue doing physio as my shoulder is not completely frozen and can be repaired, slowly. I was so happy I wanted to hug the guy as I really don't want to take any more time off work. So I will gladly do my daily physio and deal with the other stuff as it appears. This makes Cat a happy girl! So when you see me and I'm favouring my left hand, you will know why.

The weather this weekend has been rather chilling - we woke up to -31 Saturday, as well as a frozen water pipe in the basement. I had postponed my bi-weekly grocery shopping trip on Saturday as the wind just made it too damn cold. So Sunday I had to get out and brave the elements. I was surprised that the stores appeared kind of empty even though Monday is a holiday. I got stocked up and back home in record time.

I have a follow up appointment at the cancer centre this week on Tuesday. Of course I will walk there but am kind of skeptical about the weather. We are to get freezing rain and a pile of snow, so we will see what tomorrow brings. (Oh yes, and I have a flat tire, so I somehow need to get to black dog tire to get it fixed) I plan on asking them (at the cancer centre, not Black Dog) for recommendations for some sort of drug to help with the mood swings from the cancer drug. Maybe it will make me a nicer person. Maybe it will help with my hair colour!! Get this: I coloured my hair last Saturday morning and it was completely brown, with a bit of pink still appearing on the tips. Today I woke up and all the gray is back? Wtf? I really don't know why and I doubt that adding another box on top of it will help. Perhaps I am destined to have gray hair for the rest of my remaining days?

Recently I have been thinking about ways to kick my blog up a notch. Perhaps I can add some stories from my past? (my current life is boring and full of health issues which I need to shut up about) As once I'm gone, this blog will be one of  the few things that will be left for you to read. And the purpose of a blog is to express oneself. My son is lucky, he can express himself through art. I have no special skills so words it will be.

I guess I can start at the 'beginning'. I am fortunate enough to live in the same village I was born into. I guess you can say I am a true resident of the Great Village of Bath as I have Grandfathers, Grandmothers and parents buried here. Add to that, I have some of the same friends that I have known since the early 60's! One is CH. We have so many things in common: we were married less than a year apart, our husbands are best friends who have known each other since they were teens, we went all through elementary & high school together, we live less than 2 miles from each other and our mothers grew up together too.

This picture was taken in 1964, I was in grade one, she was in grade 2. I am in the front row, second from the end on the right. CH is in the back row, second from the end on the right. I even remember that dress that she has on, isn't that weird? Most days I cant remember driving into work.

Here we are again, a few years ago. My friend Roberta (far left) and I had shaved our heads a few months prior and we crawled in a vintage limo for this photo op. We happened to be in CH's driveway so I dragged her into the picture too. That's her on the far right, in the aqua top.

For the last ten years, we have been lucky enough to go boating together. It is the one activity that I can honestly say we can enjoy with our friends. There is something about being on the water that brings me a feeling of peace. Last year Billy bought me this huge floating tube - CH and I spent an afternoon floating around on it in a lovely bay by Amherst Island. It was just a few weeks before my lumpectomy, so focused on making every minute count.

A few months later I decided to go in the Run for the Cure. It was a beautiful October afternoon, and despite having breathing and other health issues of her own, there was my BFF right by my side. I really cant express what that meant to me.

Now this wonderful lady will more than likely be miffed that I have blogged about her (again - as I did back in Oct) but her friendship is one of the things that keeps me grounded.

Have a good (short) week everyone - after spending three days house-bound, I am looking forward to get out and hanging with my work family again!!!

I'm gonna cut that PINK right outta my hair!

Tomorrow I get to see the orthopedic surgeon about this dumb rotator cuff tear. I think the pain has subsided somewhat however it has now frozen into place and I can not lift it over my head, at all. Getting old sucks!

This past week seems to have gone by very quickly, I had a meeting on Thursday night for the CJAI 10th Anniversary Party Committee that I am a part of. I still find it hard to believe that the station has been around for ten years. Especially when everyone thought it wouldn't last a year! That old milk house is where I have spent many a good time. So much has changed and will be changing, and I have decided that I should be a part of it. Considering the fact that I was there in the very beginning, it is something close to my heart.

This picture was taken the first summer CJAI was open - 2006:

 This was taken a few years later by my friend Dana Orr:

Yesterday was the day to get the PINK cut out of my hair. My hairdresser has been sick and had cancelled on me twice. Just before I headed out the door yesterday morning, the salon called to say she was sick again. I was fortunate enough to get an appointment with Heather and she did a fantastic job. My hair is very short now and the pink is just a distant memory. It's almost like the pink remnants were holding me down somewhat. Since I was diagnosed, I have had numerous people send me messages and tell me face to face that I am a 'hero'. Although that is very flattering, and I certainly appreciate the kudos, but I am not a hero. I am a person who was told that if I didn't have surgery, I would die. If I didn't have radiation therapy, I would die. If I didn't take this memory-robbing, estrogen-depleting drug for ten years, I would die.  Even though I'm old, I'm too young to die. I have done what anyone would do: fight!

And this is what it looked like before the hair cut:


I hope everyone reading this counts their blessings tonight and be very thankful for all that have!